Mac and Harm Coping with an incredible illness
by Anna1988
Summary: Harm and Sarah have to cope with the fact that Sarah is very ill and that she might not be able to have children. Will they have the family they dreamed of or not? The story does not fit the series and cannon.
1. Discovery

I myself have endometriosis so I know exactly what I am writing about and I know for myself how painful this whole thing can be. I also know how much love it ant patience it requests from your partner or husband to live with this illness and how much strength it take out of you. It for some time makes it almost impossible to go out with your family because you cannot walk or sit without almost screaming out in pain and having a hard time enduring the pain. For the children it is very hard because there are days where you cannot play with them or take care of them and you need help with them. That at some point becomes normal but in the beginning it makes you feel incompetent.

November 1995

Bethesda Naval Hospital

They have been dating for three years. Now Harmon Rabb and Sarah Mackenzie are at the hospital bacause Sarah has incredible pain in her lower abdomen and Harm had insisted to check it out. They are waiting for the doctor to check her out.

"Hello Mrs. Mackenzie. Hello Mr. Rabb." The doctor answers and shakes hands with the couple

"Hello." Both of them answer

"The nurse told me who have incredible pain in your lower abdomen."

"Yeah."

"I´m gonna do an ultrasound and then we will know more."

After the ultrasound

"I can see a little abnormality in you uterus. It looks like you have endometriosis. Because of that you have bigger pain during your cycle that are more like crampes and it might happen at some point in time that it hurts all the time in your back and your stomach. It might also happen that it attacks your ovaries at some point in time."

"What can I do."

"There is an operation you can make to have the endometriosis cells removed and to the the penetrability of you ovaries if you want to have children. But I have to inform you that it yould happen that you become unfertile."

"Thank you doctor." Says Harm who has is arm wrapped around the now crying Mac. The doctor leaves the couple alone.

"Harm I do not want to be operated just yet. I want to try without first." Says Mac

"Whatever you want honey." Answers Harm

After leaving the office of the doctor Mac and Harm where quiet during the whole drive. After the arrive at home Mac goes to the bedroom and lies down on the bed crying. Harm wants to comfort me but she says. "Not now Harm. I just need time to realize it." Harm leave her and gives her the time she needs to realize what the doctor has told her earlier. She is lying on the bed and has made up her mind that she does not want and operation until it is really necessary.

She is afraid of operations and hospitals and just hopes that she can last for a few years without an operation and will be able to have children and be happy.


	2. Pain infront of the family

April 1996

Rabb & Mackenzie Residence Arlington, Verginia

Harmon Jeremy Rabb and Sarah Rose Mackenzie have been a couple for three years and have been engaged for a little over three months. Their wedding is scheduled for the mid of may. They both had to give up their dream of a big family because of Sarah`s illness called endometriosis which makes it very hard to have many children, as it was their dream. And if she would get pregnant it might happen that she would have to lie in the hospital for most of the time or it could happen the she bleeds to death during the delivery. There is an operation which can ease the pain but it most likely lets the woman become unfertile.

Harmon knows that it is hard for her and that she feels it is her fault that they might not be able to have the family they have dreamed of but he also has told her a million times that he loves her way she is even if they do not have any children or only one or two. But mostly he is worried about her pain that she onkly during her cycle for god sake and not all the time. He is worried that he might have to travel during one of those critical weeks and that at that point he will be unable to be at her side.

Sarah is also worried that it could happen that they are seperated during the time she needs him the most. But she is sure that Harm would do every thing he has to, to not let that happen and to be at her side during that time.

Harm has been running outside and returns home and finds Sarah crying on th couch. He sees immediately that she is in pain. He walks over to her lifts her up and carries her to bed and gives her a tablet and covers her with a blanket. A few minutes after she took the pill she falls asleep. He is worried. They had planned to visit his grandmother for the weekend with their dog Comet. When Sara wake up after a few hours Harm talks to her. "Sarah do you think you will be able to go visit my grandmother for the weekend or do you want me to call her?" "Harm I honestly do not know yet. I will decide it tomorrow morning. I do not want her to know." "OK." It hurts him to see his fiancée hurting so bad and not being able to stop it.

The next morning Sarah is feeling a little better and they decide to go visit his grand-mother. After they packed the car they leave with their dog. It is Friday and the took the day off.

In the evening Sarah and Harm´s grand-mother are sitting in her living room and talking while Harm is cooking dinner in the kitchen. His grandmother suddleny brings up a subject she never thought she´d be asked.

"Sarah when do you plan to give me great-grand babies?"

"It is God´s decision. Maybe never. Would you please excuse me."

With that she leaves the room and walks into the kitchen where Harm is. He turns around and sees Sarahs look. "What is it honey?" "Your grandmother asked me about children and I told it is God´s decision and we might never have children. I´m sorry Harm." He wraps an arm around her shoulder and kisses her temple. "I never thought she would ask you that. Especially after I forbade it for your sake. I never thought she would put you through that." "Put her though what Harm?" They did not notice his grand-mother enter the kitchen. "Putting her through those questions. I told you not to ask her. How could you?" "I thought it was Ok with her." "it was definitely not OK woth me You should listen to Harm the next time." Then her hand goes to her stomach and she says "here we go." "Harm get me the things." Harm leaves and comes back with the pills, her blanket and her cammomile tea. He lays her down on the couch and gives her a cup of warm cammomile tea and a pill. Comet is resting his head on her shoulder. His grandmother speaks up. "What is the matter with her?" Sarah looks at Harm and says "No." Harm says. "Unfortunately I cannot tell you right now. But if you want to make sure that she does not get that again in you presence do not asks her questions I forbade." "OK. Sorry." Comet hears him say she caused it and barks at his grandmother. "It´s OK buddy" says Harm. A few minuted later Sarah falls asleep. Harm and his grandmother return to the kitchen to finish dinner.

Two hours later Sarah enters the kitchen. "How are you felling honey?" asks Harm. "Better. Could you give me some rice please." He gives her a plate with very little rice and she eats ¾ of the plate and his grandmother says. "Sarah you need to eat more." And Harm takes Sarah´s side and says. "No. She does not have to eat more." After dinner Sarah lies down again with Comet following. Harm and his grandmother remain in the kitchen and she says. "What is the matter with her Harm?" "She is sick. That is all that is supposed to concern you." Harm walks over to Sarah and she speaks up. "Harm this is outside my cycle. I´m sorry." " Don´t be sorry. It is not your fault." " Harm this is worse than anything before. I need two pills this time" says Sarah. Harm says "I need a glas of water grandma." She comes into the livingroom with a glas of water and Sarah takes the pills. She is drugged and does not really move and Comet looks up at Harm worried. He says "she will be OK buddy." " I am still alive Comet" says Sarah and Comet barks happy in response. Only minutes later she falls asleep. Harm releases her hand and sits down next to his grandmother on the other sofa. She speaks up. "Does she need an ambulance or a doctor?" "She needs rest and Comet and her pills. She does not need a doctor. She had worse pain before." "I´m sorry Harm. Is it going to get worse?" "I hope not. If it gets worse she is going to need an operation."

After Sarah awakes around 7 p.m. they take a walk with Comet. Sarah and Harm are holding hands and she puts her hand at her stomach a few time and when she sees Harm´s worried look she says. "I am fine Harm. I will lie down when we come home."


	3. A big suprise and a baby

June 1996

Sarah´s cramps and painful hours have increased over the last few months even with the continuance of painful days outside of her cycle. Harm was very happy for her, that she was able to be painless on the wedding day a week ago. The now newly-wed couple are spending their honeymoon in the Acadia National Park in Maine relaxing and tanking strenght for the next months to come. Harm booked this honeymoon because he wanted to give Sarah the opputunity to totally relax and to forget about their family and their job for a few weeks. "Harm it is beautiful out here. We should come her more often. It is relaxing." "Honey I am glad you are able to relax. Maybe we should come here more often. I think that would be a good idea." Sarah touches her stomach causing Harm to immediately worry. "Are you OK sweetheart?" "I am fine. It hurt´s a bit but I can deal. I do not need a pill Harm." "Please let me kno if it gets worse." "You know I will."

After dinner they talk a walk through the woods and enjoy the untouched nature. It is so quiet and there are no cars or any other loud sounds to be heard. You can totally relax in the steillness. While they are walking Sarah come up with an idea. "Harm I think we should invit David and Melissa." "Your ex-boyfried David?" "Yes my ex-boyfriend Harm. He is in a new relationship. He is happy with Melissa. I think it would be nice." "Are you sure." "Harm. David left me for Melissa so he has no reason to be jealous neither do I." "OK. How about we call him when we get back." "That would be nice."

After they returned home they have invited David and Melissa. It is Friday evening and David and Melissa would be coming in two hours. While they are sitting in the livingroom with their guests Sarah suddenly whimpers out in pain. "Sarah are you OK?" "I need a pill Harm. I will be fine after that." He gets her a pill and a glas of water. After she took the pill she lays down on the couch for 15 minutes to let the ibuprophine kick in. While she is lying down on the couch David and Melissa look a little worried and David asks "are you OK Sarah?" she looks at Harm and then she says "Mic I have endometriosis. It is an illness which causes crampes in the stomach and in the back and is worse during my cycle." "You never had crampes while you were with me." "I was not diagnosed and I never show it in public so you no one actually knows that I am ill. But do not worry it is not life threatening." David and Melissa are a little relieved. After she has rested a bit they sit down to eat and there again David and Melissa seem worreid because Sarah does not eat very much. She sees their concern and says. "I usually eat only that much after a cramp-attack. Sometimes Harm has to pressure me to eat a little bit." After dinner they return to the livingroom. They continue talkin for a few more hours and around 11 p.m. David and Melissa leave the couple alone.

The next few months Sarah keeps having problems with her endometriosis. One day in Oktober while visiting her doctor they find out that Sarah is pregnant with their first child which will be due in March 1997. She had not noticed that she is pregnant four months because she still had her cycle what is normal when you have endometriosis. After returning home from the Sarah sits down on the couch crying. Harm sits down on the couch next to her and Sarah says. "I am scared of the crampes and the possibility of having to lie in bed for months." "Sarah we will cope with that when it comes to that. I know you are afraid but I will help you in all the ways I can." "Thank you." Harm just hopes that she will not suffer too much and will have an easy pregnancy. As easy as it can be with her illness. But he would never leave her alone with the problems to come and calls Admiral Chegwiddan and asks him to make sure that he will not be sent out of the US during her pregnancy. The Admiral agrees after Harm convinced him it is better for Sarah, without helling him about the illness, she is coping with. Harm is relieved after the promis from the Admiral and fells better now.


	4. A new arrival

March 1997

March 24 1997 Bethesda Naval Hospital

It is 12:30 p.m. and Sarah has been in labor fo six hours. Because of her endometriosis she has very bad stomach labor and it also starts to hurt badly in the back but up to now it is still bearable. Harm can hardly see his wife in this much pain and just hopes that she will be able to have an epidural soon, to at least let her sleep for a few hours. Allowing her to rest and gather new strength. The last six hours have been pretty easy going but Harm as well as Sarah and her doctor know that it is going to get much worse and that it could happen that she might need and cesarian section. Even if Sarah does not really want an cesarian section it be come time where it is the only option for her and her health.

7:30 p.m.

Sarah has been in bad labor the past hours and up to now she is 5 cm deliated and is now aloud to have an epidural. After she has received the epidural Harm is glad that Sarah fell asleep and has the possibility to rest from the labor for a few hours. But he also knows that she will wake up after hours and that she will have bad labor pain again and this time until the baby is born.

Sarah´s epidural has lastet six hours and has to start breathing against the labor again. She is very happy that Harm is at her side and is there to support her.

At 11:39 p.m. their first child a little baby girl is born. Her name is Rose Louise. She is named after Harm´s mother and grandmother Rose and Harm´s grandmother Louise. After all is over Sarah is doing fine considering the circumstances of her illness. Harm is happy for Sarah that it is over and that they are a little family now. And that they will be able to enjoy their life.

He does not kno how well Sarah will be in the next weeks and therefore he asked for some time of to help her and to be with his family. "How are you feeling honey?" " Weak, tired and exhausted. I am in no pain thankfully." "Why don´t you get some rest and I´ll stay right at you side." "Thank you Harm." After that she closes her eyes and almost immediately falls asleep. Harm sits next to her watching her and making sure she is OK. He knows that his family and their colleagues would be there shortly to welcome the new member.

While she was sleeping the team and his family came by but were quiet to let Sarah sleep and to make sure she got the rest she needed.

Two days later Sarah is released from the hospital and Harm takes his two ladies home. Now they can start their life as a family at home. During the first few days Harm´s grandmother comes by to help a little. But for Sarah she is no help instead she is a pain in the neck. One evening Sarah decides to talk to Harm about it. "Harm I need to talk to you." "Sure. About what?" "Your grandmother." "What about her?" "She is driving me crazy. She thinks I am invalid. Please stop her coming by Harm." "I will talk to her tomorrow. I promise." "Thank you." The next day Harm sees how his grandmother is treating his wife, like she is a child or invalid. He decides to confron her about it. "Grandma stop it. Stop treating Sarah like she is invalid or a child. She can handle her stuff alone. She does not need a mother or a baby-sitter." "Remember how ill she was when you visited me once? That is why she cannot take care of herself." "Sarah can do whatever she wants and she does not need to be treated like a baby." He walks up to her and wraps and arm around her shoulder. She hands him the baby and says "thank you Harm." "I´ll be back in a minute." With that she walks up the stairs. After she is out of sight Harm gives his grandmother a piece of mind."How could you treat Sarah like that?" "You saw how much pain she was in the other day." " That is no reason. I would ask you to not come by in the next days because we have our own life and do not need someone babysitting Sarah. You can come back when you can behave. Not before. I do not want my wife coming to me complaining about you not treating her well. Until you do not understand that you are not welcome here." After he said that his grandmother leaves the house without an other word. She leaves Harm and Rose alone in the livingroom. Sarah returns to the livingroom and notices that Harm and Rose seem to be alone. He notices her look ans says. "I sent her home and told her not to return until she can behave and can treat you like an adult." "Thank you Harm. I appreciate it."


	5. Sending her away for ever

Mai 1997

One day Mac and Rose are home alone when Harm´s grandmother comes by suprisingly. Mac lets her in and wants to give her a second chance but she starts treating Mac like a baby again. Sarah excuses herself for a minute and goes to the bathroom with Rose and calls Harm from her cell. "Rabb." "Honey it….." "Sarah what is the matter?" "Your grandmother is here. I let her in two give her a second chance but she started treating me like befor." "Sweetheart I´ll be there in 10 minutes. Stay where you are."

Harm arrives ten minutes later. His grandmother hears him and comes to the livingroom. Harm calls "Sarah I am here." She comes out of the bathroom on the second floor and comes down with Rose. Harm walks to her and pulls her into a hug and then he leads her to the couch whe she sits down. Harm´s grandmother speaks up. "Harm tell Sarah to be respectful and thenkful that I am dere." "No! You listen. I told you before not to come back and upset Sarah that much that she has to call me at work because she is so desperate. She let you in and gave you a second chance and you threw it away. Do not dare to do that again to Sarah. Don´t you see what you did to her?" Sarah looks up and says. "Harm I´ll go lie down and I´ll take Rose with me." Harm nods and Sarah goes back upstairs. After Sarah is in the bedroom his grandmother speaks up again. "How can you accept the way she behaves towards me? I am your grandmother Harm." "You are hurting her and causing her pain so sche can talk about you in the way she wants to. Get that?" "How could you marry such a self-centered woman?" "She is not self-centered. You are the only self-centered woman in this house. Sarah needs as much encouragement and love as sche can get. Now get out and do not come back." She leaves the house without a nother word. Harm joins his wife in the master bedroom. "I sent her away Sarah." "Thank you Harm. I am sorry that I had to call you away from work. I just could not take it anymore." "Sweetheart it is OK. You had every right to call me at work. Now lie down. Are you in pain?" She nods and he gives her the pills and tries to ease the pain by massaging her and giving a heating pad for her stomach. Her crampes do not get better until morning. He thinks that the hard crampes where caused by his grandmother´s mental stress on Sarah. Even the next days the crampes would not get better. Harm was very worried.

One evening they are sitting in the livingroom and Sarah suddelny speaks up. "Harm I cannot take this anymore." "What?" "I cannot take these crampes and this pain anymore. I cannot keep calling out of you office when I am home or hat work. You need an equal wife. You need to be happy." "Stop saying that OK. I love you with all my heart. I will never leave you. I am happy with you. And we are equal. Although you are ill we are still equal because the illness does not make you any less equal. You hear me. But if you are in really bad pain I suggest that we talk to your doctor."


	6. Mac back at work

June 1997

Today is Mac´s first day back at work and that really causes Harm to worry because he knows that he cannot be with her al the time. And it worries him because he knows what an good influence Rose has on Mac. How Rose is able to ease her mother´s pain. On the other hand he is happy that Mac has some change and that she can work again because she loves her work. But he intended to continue with the routine they started after Mac was diagnosed. Every day Harm would come by her office and if she was in pain he would treat her and make sure she would sleep an hour on the matress she kept in her office. He enters her office for the lunch brake. "Sweetheart I have brought you your lunch." "Thank you honey. But I am actually not very hungry at the moment. I could use a cup of herbal tea and a pill and your hand." He gives her the pill and the tea and his hand and asks. "Are you that much in pain?" She nodsand says. "I´ll be fine Harm. I just need a little rest and I just need to feel you. Could you lock the door?" He locks the door and sits down beside her again on the matress. "I am going to try to close my eyes for a few minutes." " Honey get some rest. I´ll be here the whole time. I´ll be here holding your hand. I promise." He watches her fall asleep and wants her to get some rest. They have one hour lunchbrake but he wakes her up after two. "Honey you have to get up." She startles a little and sits up. "I let you sleep an hour longer. You go back to work I´ll clean up here." "Thank you Harm." He hopes that the rest gave a the strength she needed to get through the day until she was in bed in the evening. But that did not happen.

In the evening Mac was in the kitchen preparing dinner when the pain suddenly comes back to her like a thunderstorm and almost lets her fall. She does not want Harm to know. But he notices it when he enters the kitchen and sees her face. "Are you all right Mac?" "Yeah Harm I´m fine." "Mac I can see it in your eyes. Do not lie to me. It´s OK. Come here lets put you on the couch we´ll eat there OK?" She nods. He leads her to the couch and puts her under a blanket and finishes dinner. After dinner Mac thinks she is alone and thinks that Harm is in the kitchen but she does not notice that he is watching her. She starts to cry out of pain. Harm sees her crying and walks to her and pulls her into a hug. "It´s OK. You can cry. I am right here" says Harm trying to comfort her. She does not even try to hide the tears like she normally does. After the tears have subsided she admits that she feels strengthless. "Harm I am sorry I did not have the strength to hold the tears back." "It is OK sweetie. We are OK." "This is really bad Harm. This pain is really bad Harm" she cries He just keeps drawing circles on her arm with his thumb trying to calm her down and to ease the pain. He gives her another pill and after the pill has kicked in and she is sound asleep he carries her to bed. After that he returns to the livingroom to read a book and hopes, for her sake, that she will be able to sleep without wakeing up in pain. He is really worried about her.


	7. Another baby

September 1997

At an appointment with her doctor Sarah, Harm and Rose find out that Mac is pregnant again. Harm on one side is happy for her and for them but on the other side he is wooried about her too. He knows that she will be in a lot of pain during the pregnancy and delivery. Sarah is going to hurt very much.

When they return home after the appointment Harm and Sarah sit down in the livingroom and talk. "Mac I am worried about you. The doctor says it is too soon after Rose. Are you Ok to go through with this?" "Are you asking me to kill our baby?" "No. I am asking you if you are OK with this. It is your decision. If you want to keep the baby then we will keep it and if not we will not keep. It. I would love to have a second child but you have to deliver the baby and have to carry it inside of you for seven more months. You have to be comfortable not me." "Harm I know you are worried. So am I. But I really want this baby. I need it Harm." "If that is you decision then we will keep it." Both Mac and Harm could not easily put aside the fears about Mac´s illness and the possibility of Mac dying under the delivery or the baby dying. Harm also was not able to put aside the fear that Mac would be in pain and that he would not be able to really ease the pain and that she had to live on painkillers and the fear of getting crampes when he is not around.


	8. David wants her back

December 1997

Mac is now five months pregnant and has a nine month old daughter who is permanently active and exhausts both Mac and Harm. She still has crampes every day and is at ease when Harm can ease the pain or when she is with Rose. Harm gets the feeling that Rose is Mac´s best medicine and that the two have a very special bond. Rose gives Mac the strength she needs and also gives her hope and love. He also knew that she would not exsist very much without his stron hand to hold her when she is crying out of pain and fear.

They were a happy family until Sarah´s ex-boyfriend David comes by. He by now has seperated from his girlfriend. Sarah is home alone waiting for Harm and Rose to return from running errands. She lets David in and as soon as they are in the livingroom David says "I want you to leave Harm Sarah. He made you sick." "What in the world makes you think I would leave Harm. I love him and we are expecting our second child. He did not make me sick." Harm and Rose arrive. Mac sees Harm and runs towars him. She takes Rose from him and says. "Thank God your home Harm. David says you made me sick. I know it is not true. So please make sure he leaves. "David I think it is better if you go now and stop bothering Sarah." David leaves and says he would be back. After David left the house Harm pulls Sarah into a hug and tells Sarah that David left Melissa because he still loves her. Harm calls Admiral Chegwidden and tells him what happened and the Admiral sents two people to arrest David under some kind of charges. After that Harm says "Sarah lets get you to bed. You look really exhausted." "OK."

The next day Harm buys bulletproof glas for the windows in the house and two bulletproof doors. He wants Mac to be safe. He walso installs an Alarm-System. He just hopes that David would never come back to hurt Mac or Rose or to even just scare Mac to death.


	9. Visiting the parents

January 1998

After being released from rpison David came back and tried to kill Sarah. He has been arrested and will go to jail. Harm was know not worried about that anymore. On Mac´s request Harm stayed home on one day of the week, except the weekends. It made her feel better. One evening she came up with the idea of visiting her parents graves. "Sarah are you sure?" "Yeah. I know I have not seen my mothers grave in 15 years and my father grave in 10 years but they have the right to know their granddaughter." They go to the cemetary and when they return home Harm notices that Mac does not seem right. They sit down on the couch and Harm says. "Are you all right Sarah?" "No. I fell even worse than before we went." She cries into his chest and Harm has a hard time calming her down. She cries about the neclect from the childhood and bout the pain she has for things she never talked about. Harm had never pushed her to talk about it. After a few minuted her tears subside and he carries Sarah to bed to allow her to rest a little. After a few more hours he goes to bed to and lies down next to his wife. He puts his arm around her and notices how unrelaxed she is. She starts to relax inhis embrace. She looks up at him and says. "lets go back to Acadia National Park in summer. It would be something that would really get me to relax." That is a good idea. I think we both could use some vacation. But especially you. You have had a hard time so you really need a vacation. I´ll talk to the Admiral tomorrow. OK?" "Yeah thank you Harm." "What do you think. Is it a boy or a girl?" "Well I did not want to know with Rose. And I do not want to know now either. I am sorry but I really do not have a felling what it could be. Sorry." You do not have to be sorry. It is OK. We will know when the baby comes. But we could start thinking about names. One for a by and one for a girl." "OK." "How about Grace Sarah for a girl and Patrick David for a girl. How does that sound?" "That sounds pretty good to me. I could agree to that." "Well that is good. I love you honey. Now get some rest." "OK. Will you hod me?" "Sure. I love you." "I love you too Harm."


	10. The second Child

April 1998

13.04.1998

9:15 p.m.

Sarah is in the bathroom when she notices that the delivery of the baby has started. She walks out of the bathroom and says "Harm we have to go to the hospital. The baby is cominh." Harm calls Admiral Chegwidden who will watch Rose and after he arrives he takes Mac to the hospital. He and Mac both know that it is going to be a very painful and long delivery due to her illness.

14.04.1998, 4:30 a.m.

Sarah has been quiet able to sleep through the contractions. Harm was very happy and relieved about that. But he knows that the very painful part is only hours away. He just hopes that she has the strenght for it, without an cesarian section. That is the last thing she wants.

11:30 a.m.

Sarah has been in labor for 14 hours now. She is still not able to have an epidural. For the moment the pain seems bearable but she knows too, that the very painful part is still to come.

5 p.m.

Now Sarah gets an epidural which will hopefully let her sleep for six to eight hours.

3 a.m.

After eight hours of sleeping because of the epidural Sarah now wakes up slowly. After a few minutes the contractions start again and this time they are very painful. She now was in very bad pain, which was even worse, than normal birth pain. But she thankfully was not alone and had Harm at her side. He did everything he could to ease the pain and make it easier for her. He encouraged her in every way he could and did every kind of therapy he did while Rose´s delivery too.

12:23 p.m.

At 23 minutes past noon Sarah gives birth to their second baby, a son. He is named after Sarah´s father Patrick, after Sarah´s grandfather from her father´s side Patrick and after Sarah´s grandfather from her mother´s side David. His name is David Patrick Rabb. He was born after 39 hours of labor at the Navel Hospital. Her Godparents are Damon and Claire Rabb, Harmon´s Brother and his wife.


	11. Inviting

April 1998

A week after David was born Harm can take both of them home. At home Admiral Chegwidden and Rose are already waiting for them to come home. Rose is now 13 months old. When they arrive at home rose is takeing her nap and Mac puts David down for his nap too. After that she lies down to because she is exhausted.

After two hours she comes to the livingroom with David and Harm is in the livingroom reading the newspaper. "Harm!" "Hey! How are you?" "Considering the circumstances I am pretty well. Thank you." She sits down next to Harm on the couch. "How is this little guy?" "He slept and I fed him upstairs and now he is sleeping again. Other then that he is fine." "How about we have him baptized on our wedding anniversery?" "I think that would be nice. We should sent out the invitations soon." "I know. I have an idea. How about we go get a picture of the tree of us to send to people celebrating his birth and we get a picture of the four of us to send to people in occasion of the day we are having him baptized." "That is a very good idea Harm. I think we should do that. I think that would be very appropriate. But do you think that we should invite your mother or even tell her that she has a grandson?" "I truly do not know. Because I do not know what she will do again." "We think about that and decide that later." "OK." After Rose has had her nap they go to a photographer and make the two pictures and when they return home they send one of each pictures and an invitation to the people that will be invited.

In the evening Mac and Harm have decided to invite Harm´s mother and will send the invitation the next day.


	12. Baptizm and Hospital

May 1998

Today was the day where Patrick David Rabb was going to be beptized. His Godparents are Damon and Claire Rabb. They had inveited the whole family. Their collegues Bud and Harriet, who are married and are Rose Louiseé godparents are there to like the Admiral. They had also invited Harm´s grandmother but both of them where not sure what she would do or how she would act toward Mac.

After the mass they went to the Rabb Residence and had lunch and had a happy time with their family and friends. Harm was happy that Mac was totally relaxed today and that she did not seem to be in pain.

When Mac was in the kitchen Harm entered getting some water. He saw Mac preparing a new bowl of salad. "Mac are you alright?"

"Harm I am more than alright. I gladly am in no pain."

"It has been a long time since I have seen you this relaxed."

"I know Harm. I missed being this relaxed."

"Enjoy it. Whe do not know when you will be in pain the next time."

"I am enjoying it. I love you Harm."

"I love you too Mac."

In the evening the guestes went home and much to Harm´s and Mac´s surprise his mother did not make a scene. They are sitting on the couch and the kids are already in bed. "I was surprised by my mother." "I know Harm. She did not do anything at all."

Two weeks later Harm and Mac where forced to go to the hospital because Mac was in incredible pain. The doctor examined her and perscribed her a higher dose of medicine because she did not want to have an operation. She was lying in the hospital bed after the examination and was resting. "Mac please think about the operation again."

"Harm I already said, that I am not ready for that yet."

"Sweetheart I cannot stand seing you in pain and agony. Please Mac."

"Harm I cannot do that. Not yet." He could see the pleading in her eyes. Asking him to understand and support her decision. "Mac but if it gets worse I want you to reconsider."

"I promise Harm I will reconsider if it gets worse."


	13. Talking

June 1998

Mac has recovered a bit and she is able to be without a pain for while. Harm is happy that the pain could be reduced by medication and that she sometimes did not need to take medication if the pain was not as bad or if the pain was not there at all. He was happy that she could life a happier life for now. There were days where he thought that it would be the best if she would have an operation so she would not be in anymore pain but on the otherhand he knew that it would nearly kill Mac. She loved children and she always wanted to have a family. A big family. Something she never had as a child and something she wished for.

It had taken her a long time to trust him that he would never leave her and after a while she started to believe it. She loved him and she needed him and his stability. She was thankful that he gave her the stability that she needed. She thought about the operation too. But she did not want to give up her dream. But on the other hand she always thought about having the operation to get rid of the sometimes unbearable pain. She was not capable of doing a lot of things if she was in pain. She wanted to be able to do everything on her own but for that she needed to have the operation.

They were sitting on the couch. "Harm I thought about the operation again." "What about it?" "I admit that I hate being in so much pain everytime I have crampes. I admit that it is hard to endure." He could hear her stiffle a sob. "I would not be this happy if it were not for you. You showed me what it means to love and what it means to have a family. And how everyone is alowed to show weakness no matter where they are from. You showed me how it is to live." He reached his hand and put it on her lower arm and gave it a squeeze. There were tears shimmering in her eyes.

"Harm we are a happy family and we have two wonderful children. We could be a happy family if I would not be handicapped. I sometimes am hardly capeble of doing things with Rose. I know that I should have this operation to try to make sure that I will not be in so much pain anymore. According to my doctor I should have the first operation now. But Harm I am going to be honest with you." A tear slipped down her check and he took hold of her hands with both of his hands drawing circles on her palm.

"I am going to be honest. Physically I am more than ready for this operation but mentally I far from ready to have this operation. I still have a dream Harm. I will not give up an this dream Harm. I cannot" she said sternly. Harm looked into her eyes and could see that she was torn apart between the mental and physical opinion. She somehow wanted both. To have the operation and to fullfil her dream. Both knew that an operation did not mean that she would become infertile. It meant that they would have to take the endometriosis ulcers out. That was something that made her panic. He knew that. He was thinking of a way to be able to have both. The operation and a large family.

"Listen. Mac we both wanted a large family. We have to wonderful children but in know that you are physically to worn out and that you need medical attention first before we can continue to think of our growing family. Mac I know that you are hurting. I know that it is hard for you to endure the pain. I also know that it is hard for you to admit that you need this operation. But please Mac think for your health for a minute." She looked up at him still unsure.

"Mac I will not pressure you to have this operation. I am just asking you to consider the possibility of having the operation. You have to think of yourself too sweetheart."

"Harm a part of me wants this operation but the other part is stopping me. I honestly am torn. I admit that I do not know what to do."

"Sweetheart you have to listen to your heart and your gut. And you have to think about what is best for you and your health. Rose and David need their mother and their father. They need both parents Mac." "I know. I know Harm." She was now crying full force and he pulled her into his chest and just let her cry. He knew that she sometimes just needed to cry to get rid of some of the pain and agony. She sometimes just needed his stron arms around her holding her safe. "Honey it is alright. I told you I would support you no matter what decision you make. But I want you to be happy and healthy. You need to be comfortable with it." She just nodded into his chest and knew that she had to decide because the pain sometimes really was unbearable.

About an hour later Mac pulled back from Harm and looked up into his loveing eyes and she could only read love, understanding and comassion in his true eyes. She knew that he would support her. "Harm I want this operation. I am scared that yould become infertile but I can hardly bear the pain anymore." "Alright. If that is what you want I will support you." "I do not want it but I have to do it. So I am going to do it Harm. I love you." "I love you too sweetheart. Do not worry we will be alright."

He pulled her back against his chest and just let her cry. He knew that it was hard for her to admit that she needed medical attention. He just let her be and knew that it would help her.


	14. The operation

July 1998

They day of the operation had come and Mac was way from being amused about it. Harm could see that. "Mac everything will be alright. You are not alone. I love you and I will be at your side. I will be with you until you go into the OR and I will be at your side when you come back out again. I promise you that Mac." "Thank you Harm." "I love you Mac." He gently kissed her.

They drove to the hospital and Mac was admitted. Harm hedl his promise and was at her side as long as his was aloud to. And he was at her side again when she was in recovery. She was still in a little pain she when she slowly woke up.

"Mac how are you?" "I am OK. I wish I would already be at home. I want to be at home again with you and the kids." "I know but you will have to heal a little until you can go home." "I know." He was holding her hadn rubbing circle´s on her palm. "Honey calm down you will be out here soom and will be home again and will be playing with the kids again." "Ok." He stayed with her the rest of the day and went home then to tend to the kids.

He was able to take Mac home five days later and she was more then happy to have her kids again. She still had to rest a few days and to be a little careful but she was still able to play with them. Harm was totally happy to see her like that.


	15. Family life

August 1998

Mac has fully recovered from her operation and is painfree for now. Both of them know that she will get new endometriosis herds someday but until then they will enjoy every minute where she is painless.

"Mac!" "Harm!" He sat down next to her on the couch. "Mac I think we should take a trip on the weekend." "I do not think so." "Why?" "I agree that we should spend a weekend as a family but I do not really want to take a trip. I would rather stay here." "Alright. We will stay here." "Thank you." She leaned up a little and gave him a kiss and he wrapped an arm around her. He knew that she needed a break and if she wanted to stay at home for a family weekend then he was more than happy to respect that wish.

The next day was Friday and Harm told everyone at the office that they would spend a family weekend out of town so nobody would come by there house. Then after work Mac and Harm picked up the kids and drove home and started their family weekend. During this weekend they did not plan to leave the house except playing in the backyard with the kids.

While the kids were already sleeping Harm pampered his wife Mac in any way he could. Right now he was massaging her back that had a lot of knots and was unrelaxed. She was lying on the bed but when he ended his massage he could see that she seemed to be really content and relaxed. He was glad to see her that way. But he could see that there was something in her eyes that let him know that she was still a little sad.

"Mac!" "Yeah." "Mac what are you thinking about?" "Nothing specific." He continued massaging her and hoped that she would talk to him on her own. A few minutes later she started to talk. "You know I was just wondering how it would be like if my mother would still be here you know." He stoped massaging her and turned her around and sat her up a little. He then put his hand under her chin and made her look at him. "Sweetheart I have no idea how our life might be different if your mother would still be here. I know though that our children would have a second grandmother. But no matter what our children will get to know your mother when you tell them about her and tell them who she was." She just nodded and sighed. "Mac I know that you have loved your mother and that you miss her but the memory of her will never fade. She will always be in your heart." "Thank you."

He can see that she is tearing up and pulls her into a hug. She snuggles into his chest and the tears are slowly falling. Harm knows that they are because of her mother. She had loved her mother very much even though she was an alcoholic. He just let her cry and soothed her as good as he could. After about half an hours he heard her breathing even and he knew right away that she was asleep and he settled her on the bed joined her a few minutes later.

The next morning he decided to let her sleep a little longer and took care of the kids. He knew that shew deserved to get some rest and to relax. While she was still sleeping he played with Rose and David and enjoyed his time with the kids. After some time he decided to take a walk with the kids and left a note in case she would wake up. When he and the kids returned Mac was still sleeping. While the kids were takeing their nap he went to check on her. When he entered the bedroom he saw that she was still lying under the covers and seemed to be sleeping. He went and sat down on the bed bext to her and stroked her arm. She stirred a little and turned around slowly. When she opened her eyes she could see Harm. "Morning Mac!" "Harm. What time is it?" "10:30. The kids are takeing their nap. I took them for a walk already. I let you sleep because you needed it." "Thank you." She smiled at him and sat up and leaned into his embrace.

"Do you want to get up Mac?" "I will be down in a minute." "Alright." After Harm left the room Mac gets up and gets dressed and joins the rest of the family in the livingroom. "Momma!" says 17 months old Rose and runs up to her mother. "Sweetie!" Mac scoops Rose up into her arms and she and Harm smile at each other because she is able to carry her daughter which she was not able to do until noe due to the pain. She and Rose joined Harm and David on the couch. David was still sleeping on the couch. The family just relaxed on the couch until lunch.

Harm was preparing lunch in the kitchen when Mac entered it. "Harm what are you cooking today?" "Smashed potatoes." "Rose loves it." "I know Mac. But love it too right?" "I do. What can I do to help?" "Mac you do not need to help me. I want you to relax a little." "Please Harm I want to help you." "Alright. How about you help me peal potatoes." "Thank you." While they were preparing lunch the kids were playing in the play pen. Harm smiled to himself because he was glad that he had such a lovely and happy family. And he hoped that it would stay that way for a long time.


	16. A family evening

November 1998

The life at the Rabb house was happy and normal. Mac and Harm were enjoying their free time with their children. While they were working the kids were in daycare. They made sure that they stoped working after their regular hours so that they would be able to spend time with the kids in the evening.

During the evening they mostly played with the kids and sometimes had friends and collegueas over. But mostly they just spend that time as a family like they had planed it. For now Mac has hard the best five months she had had in along time. She enjoyed it and so did Harm.

"Harm I think we should put the kids in the stroller." "Why?" "I think we should take a walk." They out Rose and David in the coates and snowpants and put them in their stroller. After they had gotten dressed with warm coates Mac and Harm started for a walk. During the walk the kids fell asleep Harm was pusheing the stroller and Mac hooked an arm under his arm. He could see that she was enjoying the walk under the stars as a family. She was really relaxed and was smiling.

When they returned home they carried the children to bed and returned to the couch. Mac cuddled into his embrace on the couch. "That was a nice walk with the kids." "Except that they fell asleep." "Well we could not prevent it right?" "Yeah. But looked completely happy and relaxed during the walk." "I was completely relaxed and happy during the walk." "I am glad to hear that." "I am still relaxed and happy." "You definatily look that way too Mac." "Thank you. You know I was thinking of inviting the whole team over sometime again." "it is a good idea. How about Friday or Saturday in two weeks." "Sure. I cannot think of anything we have to do that weekend." "Then we will right a memo tomorrow for the team." "Count on that."


	17. Prepareing Christmas

December 1998

Christmas was right infront of the door and they had not even started to decorate anything. Mac and Harm had not even started to buy presents. They asked Admiral Chegwidden to watch their children one day while they went chirstmas shopping for the kids. Mac and Harm alone. "When was the last time that we went shopping alone?" "Very long time ago." "Yeah." They walked Hand in Hand through stores.

When they came home thesy had bought presents for Harm´s grandmother, the team and the children. And they had bought presents for each other, too. "AJ!" "In the kitchen!" They entered the kitchen and saw AJ drinking coffee reading the newspaper. "The kids are sleeping." "Good." "Thank you for watching them." "You are welcome. I better get back to the office. I have meeting later on." "Alright." Harm brought him to the door and returned to the ktichen later. They both drank a cup of coffee.

After that they went to the dinning room and wrapped the presents. When they were finished they hid them so that the kids would not find them. Then they started decorating the house using the time while the kids were sleeping.

"I hope it will be a nice Chirstmas." "My first painfree Christmas in years." "I know sweetheart." "He wrapped her in a hug and kissed her passionately. Both of them hoped that it would not be the last painfree Chirstmas for Mac.


	18. Mac pregnant with a boy

January 2000

Mac had been painfree since July 1998. Now she was pregnant with their third child which will be due in May. They knew that it would be a boy. Rose was by now in Kindergarden and Patrick was sill in Daycare. Rose noticed that Mac was five months pregnant and she knew that there was a baby inside. She was not totally amused about that. She was starting to get act like a really missy. Mac and Harm sometimes had a hard time with her. But she mostly settled down after a while.

While the kids were in bed already Mac and harm were sitting on the couch. "Have you thought of a name yet Harm?" "No. You?" "Yes. Jeremy Harmon Rabb." "I like that name Mac." "Thank you. It is a good name." "So that is settled." "It looks like that." "So their son Jeremy Harmon would be born in May.


	19. Restraining Order

April 2000

Mac was now eight months pregnant. Rose and Patrick seemed to slowly understand what would be comeing next month. For now they seemed to accept it. But both Mac and Harm knew that that could change again when the baby would be there.

Aside from that the Rabb family was happy now. The only thing that worried Harm was his mothers behaviour. After they had told her that Mac and he would have a third child she starting becoming the old one again. Like she was after Rose´s birth. But Harm told her to stay away from his family if she had such attetudes.

Somehow Harm knew right away that his mother would not stop bothering his wife and children. She even watched them while they were at the playground. When Harm came home in the evening Mac talked to him. "Harm." "Yes sweetheart." "I need to talk to you." "my mother?" "Yes." "What about her?" "I was at the playground with the kids and whe was watching us from behind a tree." "Great." "Could you please talk to her." "I will." "Thank you."

The next morning Harm wanted to talk to his mother. He had asked her to come to his office. "Harm!" "Mom!" She sat down across from her son. "Mom why are you watching Sarah and the kids at the playground. I told you to stay away from my family." "Why should I. They are my grandchildren." "Not anymore. If you act like that. We told you the same thing after Rose was born and you did as we asked you to. We even invited you to Patrick´s baptizm. And now that mac is pregnant again we inform you and the next thing we know is that you are harrasing us again." "Well you cannot forbid it." Harm called Bud who came into the office a minute later.

"Harm!" "Bud come in." He shook hands with Harm´s mother. "How can I help you?" "Bud get me a judge on the phone now." "Yes sir." Bud leaves the office and a minute later Harm is talking to a judge. "Judge this is Commandor Rabb calling from the JAG. Sir I need a restraining order against Louise Rabb, my mother for harassing my mother." ………"Yes sir it is a matter of safety for my wife our two children and our unbron child." ……. "Thank you Sir."

After Harm has ended the conversation. "I requested a restraining order again you. It was granted. You and I will get a copy in the next few days." "Why?" "Because you did not listen. If you act against it you will be arested and taken into custody."

When Harm arrived at home in the evening he told Mac right away what had happened. "A restraining order?" "Yes. Now she has to stay away from us." "Thank God." The family was happy to not get disturbed anymore.


	20. Third child

May 2000

Mac has given birth to her and Harm´s third child a few hours ago. It ia a boy. He has not been named yet. Rose and Patrick were with AJ. Harm was sitting at her bed. "How are feeling sweetheart?" "I am alright Harm. Where is he?" "He is sleeping right here in his crib." "Have you thought about a name yet Harm?" "Yes." "What would that be?" "Jeremy Harmon Rabb. Jeremy after my grandfather. Harmon after me, my father and my other grandfather." "It definitly is the perfect name for our little boy." "Jeremy Harmon Rabb." "Yes Harm that is his name." "You still look a little exhausted Mac." "I will live Harm." He leaned over to give her a kiss. He was holding her hand and drew circles with his thumb on it. He knew that she is still weak and would need time to recover.

A few hours later she woke up to an room filled with people. AJ, Rose and Patrick were there, too. Patrick and Rose were sleeping in their stroller and AJ was talkin to Harm. "Mac!" "I am awake Harm." "Rose and Patrick are sleeping." "When can I go home?" "Tomorrow sweetheart. The doctor wants to keep you here one night." "Ok."


	21. All over again

August 2000

Mac woke up in the morning. When she wanted to get up she suddenly felt a very big pain in her lower abdomen and fell back against the pillow. Her worst fear was to get sick again. She had been painfree for over two years. She moaned out in pain and did not know how she should get up.

After a while she slowly got up and went to the bathroom and got dressed. She then went downstairs to the kitchen, careful not to moan so that Harm would not know that she is in pain. She did not want to worry him. When she reached the kitchen Rose and Patrick were sitting at the breakfast table with Harm and Jeremy was lying in his portable crib. She sat down at the table next to Harm.

Harm noticed the expression on her face and had knew that something was of. He laid a hand on her lower arm and caused her to look at him. "Honey are you alright?" She looked at him and he could already read the answer in her eyes. He knew that she was in pain and that the endometriosis had made her presence known once again. He would talk to her after breakfast when the kids were playing, it was Saturday.

While they kids were playing and Jeremy was sleeping Harm talked to Mac on the couch. "You are in pain again. Right?" "No." He took her hands in his. "You do not have to lie to me Mac. I am your husband." "So?" "Mac if you are in pain I want to know so that I can help you. Do you trust me?" "What?" "Do you trust me?" "I trust you with every fiber of my being and I love you." He looked at her straight. "You are going to have to trust me that I will do everything in my power to help you to ease your pain. Please Sarah tell me the truth." "Alright."

She swallows a lump and looks at him. "Harm you were right. This morning when I woke up and wanted to get up and felt a big pain in my lower abdomen. I still got up and got dressed and did everything to make sure that you would not worry." "Sarah you should have told me right away. You are just putting more stress on yourself if you try to hide things like this from me. That will not help you honey." "I know Harm and I am sorry that I did not tell you earlier. I just did not want to believe that painfree and healthy time is over." "I know. You still have to trust me to get us through this and to help especially you to get through this."

"Harm it is hard to talk about it. I hate being so weak and vulnerable. I normally told pretty soon if I was in pain after you asked me. Sometimes you had to encourage me to talk to you. But this is different." "How?" "I have been painfree for over two years and now it is starting again Harm.

When we started dating seven years ago I had been in pain already for some time. I went to my doctor but she did not find anything." "The first time you told me you were in pain was in summer of 1994." "I know. At the beginning I did not make a big thing out of it and I hoped that it go away after a while. When we went to the doctor in November 1995 it had been unbearable for a while, as you know. Then I had been constantly in pain for a week in a month and after a while I had pain during the whole month as you know. Then after Patrick was born I did not have any pain. Then I had the operation because the paiin was totally unbearable again. After that I was painfree for almist two years and now this."

"Sweetheart that is not your fault. Endometriosis is an illness and that you have this illness is not your fault. You know that I would help you in any way I could and that I will stand by you no matter what decision you make." "I know Harm." "Tell me the truth. Do you need a pill?" She looked at him trying a to find a way to say no. but there was no way. "Unfortunately I do Harm." He got up and got to get a pill and a glas of water. When he returned he knelt down infront of her and gave her the pill and she took it. He sat back down next to her. "I think we should make an appointment with your doctor and see what has changed during the past two years." "Is that necessary Harm?" "I think so. I mean you want to know what we are facing right?" "I do." "I will give your doctor a call on Monday honey do not worry." "Do you have to call?" "Mac please. It will be alright. We are in this together no matter what the outcome is." "Alright."

He pulled her into a hug trying to ease her fear and her pain. He knows that she is totally afraid of what her doctor might say at her mext appointment. She hated to go to her doctor to get bad news and he would do everything in his power to make sure that she would not get bad news and that she would be alright. One thing he could definitly do to ensure that, was to be at her side the whole time and to not let her got through that torture alone.

In the night he woke up and noticed that Sarah was rolled up in a ball. He turned on the bedside lamp and sat up a little. "Honey!" "I am fine Harm." He reached out his arm and stroked her back trying to encourage her to trust him. Afater a while she slowly turned around and snuggled into his chest wrapping her arms around him. He wrapped his arms around her too stroking her back trying to calm her down.

He noticed how his shirt slowly got wet and knew that she was crying. "Why are you crying? Are you in pain?" She nodded into his chest and it broke is heart to know that his wife would be in so much time again. He reached down and with one hand re slowly drew circles on her stomach trying to ease her unrelaxed muscles to help ease the pain. She leaned into his chest and hoped that his ministrations would help.

Two days later on Monday she had an appointment with her doctor. Harm and Mac were sitting in the waiting area at th doctors office. Harm was holding her hand drawing circles on her palm trying to calm her down. When their name was called they followed the nurse onto a room and waited for her doctor. Sarah and Harm were sitting on two chairs waiting.

When the doctor entered Sarah lied down on the exam table with Harm at her side. He knows that the following exam will be very painful for her. Her doctor examined her and during the exam Sarah moaned out in pain clutching Harm´s hand. Harm tried to console her by stroking her hair and saying soothing words. It did not really help because the pain she was in was to beig and his words did not stop her from moaning.

After the exam the doctor sat down at her desk with Sarah and Harm across from her. "Sarah your fears were actually right. It looks like the endometriosis has returned and is causing you the pain. I am very sorry." "So I just continue taking the pills you perscribed and hope that it is only one week a month right?" "I am afraid so Sarah. The other option would be a complete operation were we would remove everything." "Thank you." "She said good-bye to Sarah and Harm and left them alone.

"You heard her. I am ill again" "I know Sarah." He held her hand trying to calm her down. "I want to go home." "OK." He helped her up and led her outside to the car. On the way home she was constantly lookingo out of the window trying to grasp what her doctor had told her. At home she retired to their bedroom and got changed into comfortable clothes. In was around noon and they had the day off. Harm came into their bedroom a few minutes later and found her in the rocking chair with her knees pulled up to her chest.

He went over to her and knelt down infront of her. "Honey talk to me." She looked at him but at the moment she was unable to talk to him. "Not yet." "Alright." She had tears running down her face and he picked her up with one arm under her knees and one arm around her back. He laid her down on the bed and joined her pulling her into him massaging her stomach. He could feel how her tense muscles relaxed under his touch. A few minutes later she feel asleep in his arms. He prayed that she would be able to sleep the whole night.


	22. Hidden pain

September 2000

Mac had been in a lot of pain during the last month. She tried to not let her children know she was ill, because they did not need to know. But she also tried to hide it from Harm as she did not want to worry him even more. But he could read her and she knew that. Gladly she only had pain during her period once a month.

Harm is worried about her because he knows that it is hard for her to admit that she is ill again. He knew that she would be more open towards him, like she was, if she would acknowledge it. She used to tell him when she was in pain but he knows that she will slowly start telling him about the pain again. She first has to acknowledge it to herself.

When he visited her in her office he already knew the answer. She was sitting at her desk with her hand on her stomach and her eyes closed. He walked around her desk and put a hand on her shoulder as he sat down on the edge of the table. "Sarah talk to me." "It hurts Harm. I admit it." "Honey let me help you." He put a hand on her stomach and massaged it a little trying to get her to relax. With his other han d he held her hand. "Honey I am going to go by your doctors office on the way home to get a new prescription for your pills." "Thank you." He hoped that she would be better soon again.


	23. Acceptance

October 2000

Sarah had slowly started to accept her illness again and had started to acknowledge the pain and to admit it to Harm. Harm was happy about it because he would be able to helpt her and to ease her pain ion the right time and in the right way.

That she got ill again also meant that she had to go see her doctor again on a regular basis just to make sure that it would not get worse. It was a precaution but to her, it used to be routine, it feals and it felt like a punishement to her.

"Harm!" he joined her in bed. "Are you going to come with me tonorrow?" "Where are you going?" "I have an appointment with my doctor." "Of course I will come with you if you want me to." "I want you to come." Harm knew how afraid she was about the doctors appointment and how nervous she was. She was afraid of what her doctor my say.

The next morning they are at the doctors offcie where the doctor examines Sarah. Harm was holding her hand the whole time trying to calm her down. After the doctor had finished her exam she told them what she had found."

"Sarah you do seem to have a little ulcer that is growing in your uterus." She looked at Harm unsure and scared. "Sarah I know that you probably do not want to hace another operation, as it was hard for you to have the first one, but I would highly recommend that you at least think about it." "Thank you doctor." She left the couple alone to give them time.

"Sarah are you alright?" She shook her head no. he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into his chest. "How about we go home and talk?" "I would like that." He helped her up and led her to their car and helped her in. After he had gotten in the car they drove home.

At their house in the livingroom was a more comfortable place to talk. "So." Harm had an arm wrapped around her as she was leaning into his chest. She was quiet, quieter then normal. "Sarah talk to me. Please." She turned around a bit to liik at him. He copuld read the pain , hurt and the fear in her eyes and on her face. "Honey I promise you that we will be alright. You will have to trust met." "Harm I trust you with my life." "What is it?" The way she looked at him made his heart break. "I just. I am just not ready to let them perform another operation again Harm." "I want you to listen to me. I love you and you know that. You know that I will support each decision you make no matter what. But I am just asking you to think about your health and what is good for you." She bowed her head and then looked up at him. "Harm….." "Sarah you know that I would not hurt you in any way and that I will support always support you. I am just asking you to think about it." "OK." Sarah got up and told Harm that she will take a walk. Harm watched her go knowing that she needed time to herself to think.

When she come home after a few hours she looked a little tired from her walk. "Hey!" "How was your walk?" "Good. When are you going to pick up the kids?" "Around four?" "Alright." She walked into his waiting arms. She snuggled into his chest trying to forget. He did not talk to her because he knew that it would be useless now. She would talk to him.

When Harm came homw with the children Mac had a big smile on her face. "Mommy!" "Hey Patrick." She knelt down and gave Patrick and Rose a hug and a kiss. She then got up and gave Jeremy and Harmon a kiss. "Mommy can we go eat ice gram today?" Sarah and Harm looked at each other. "I think we can do that Rose." "Yeah." Rose and Patrick went to play and Harm handed Sarah baby Jeremy." So we are going to go eat ice cream today." "Looks like it Harm." She just smiled at him as she went to tend to Jeremy. She and Harm were looking forward to go to the ice gream store with their children.


	24. Clarity

October 2000

After having returned from the Ice cream store with their children and after putting them to bed they meet on the couch in the living-room. Sarah dreaded but she knew that she and Harm needed to talk about the choices they have. Harm on the other hand knew that she needed to voice her worried and fears and that he had to listen to them, for her.

Sarah snuggled into Harm and looked out the windows into the dark for a few minutes. "I had the last operation almost two and a half years ago and now I need another one. This is wrong." He sighed deeply. He knew that this was so wrong but he could not change it. "Sarah it is not fair and it is wrong and we just have to make the best of it. We just take one step at a time."

"What are you scared of Sarah?" she sighed deeply and knew he would not let it go. "Harm I am 30 years old, mother of three children and ill. What do think I am scared of?" she was starting to get agitated and her voice was rising. He tightened his hold on her keeping at his side.

"Sarah you are scared and that is a normal and warranted reaction. But what are you exactly scared of?" he ran soothing hands up and down her back when he felt her breathing get agitated again.

"Harm I will not be able to do things for weeks probably, let alone take care of the kids. They might even send me into early menopause. I will be absolutely incapable of doing anything. I will be a human wreck in early menopause, and is no good any longer." With that she freed herself from his arms and left the living-room taking refuge in their bedroom. Harm was shocked about the things he heard. She was still scared that he would leave her someday.

He found her curled up in a ball in the center of their bed. He carefully sat down next to her on the bed. "Sarah look at me" his request was quiet but strong. She slowly looked up at him and it hurt him to see tear stains on her face. He quickly sat up against the headboard and placed her between his legs covering her with a blanket. He put a hand under her chin and made her look at him while his other arm was wrapped securely around her back.

"I love you Sarah Mackenzie Rabb. That is never going to change. Am I happy that you are ill? I sure as hell am NOT happy that you are ill and in pain. I hate it. I also hate the possibility of you needing an operation again. I sure as hell can promise you that all of these things are not going to change my feelings for you. I love our children and I love you Sarah." He carefully leaned forward and kissed her trying to show her in actions that he meant his words.

When he pulled back she leaned forward and hid her face in his chest. "I am scared of health issues, too Harm." He kissed her hair. "One step at a time, Sarah, one step at a time." She just nodded against his chest. Harm knew that the day had been emotionally draining for her and did not really expect and rational thoughts from her at this time of day.

The next morning saw them back at the office and in a court trail. During the whole day he thought about her and when he saw tried to read her emotional state. He knew that he could not fix the things that were wrong but he at least wanted to help her as much as possible. He even thought about finding a support group for her so she could talk with people who are dealing with the same thing. He could not finish the thought when his office door was abruptly opened. He looked up.

"Sarah!" she nodded jerkily and sat down across from him after slamming the door. "What can I do for you?" she shoved a file across the table to him. "Take this case for me." He looked at the file and then looked back at him. "Who is defending the guy?"

"Brumby and Turner are defending. You and I are prosecuting." After he had looked at the file he knew right away why she hated this case. They were prosecuting a lieutenant who beat up his wife and daughter repeatedly. It reminded her of her first boyfriend.

"Sarah I will not take this case alone. We are supposed to this case together." She was about to object but he silenced her by continuing. "We will do this case together but I will do the questioning. Alright?" she nodded but he could see that she still fest uneasy. He walked around the table and sat down on the edge of it. "Everything will be fine. We will be alright."

When they entered the courtroom two hours later both Sarah and Harm were surprised when they saw who the guy was that they were prosecuting. It was Sarah´s first Boyfriend who she had not seen in 10 years. When Harm looked at her he could see that she shook was still there and in her eyes he could also read the fear she still had. She was still afraid of him.

Sarah looked at the guy and hoped that he has not recognized her. When they sit down Harm gives Sarah´s hand a gentle squeeze and is happy that he negotiated to be first chair with the admiral. While he questioned people and held his speeches Sarah sat next to him silently and made notes.

For Sarah´s sake he wanted to make a deal with the guy because he knew how straining the trial was for her. When they met in the conference room Sarah stayed in the office doing some research. When she entered the conference room she looked straight at Harm and handed him a file. He nodded his thinks, opened it and read it. He also read the little handwritten note she had pinned to the first page. "I already talked to the Admiral. He will be second chair from now on."

He looked at her and when she left the room the Admiral entered and sat down next to Harm. "Alright gentlemen, the Admiral will now be second chair. Major Sarah Mackenzie will now be a witness. Mr. Ragle you know her and were her former boyfriend and she will testify for the prosecution. That will be all." With that Harm and the Admiral left the conference room.

In the afternoon Sarah testified to show that Christopher Ragle had a modus operandi, when it comes to women. She still had her medical records from that time and also had a few pictures, which were pretty good evidence. In the end Lieutenant Christopher Ragle was sentenced to 5 years in jail for battery and domestic abuse.

After returning home in the evening Harm knew that he had to expect nightmares during the night, after she saw him again. Sarah was still on high alert and always looked over her shoulder. When she was walking to the kitchen he stopped her by grabbing her arm and turning her to face him. He wrapped his arms around her. "It is over Sarah. He is in jail. You are safe." He brushed a look of hair out of her face and leaned forward. He gently kissed her and when he responded he knew how deep the emotions were running. During the kiss he could feel her anxiety, her fear and her pain.

She had been in pain when she saw him again and that on top of everything else was almost two much for her. Harm let her get the emotions out and let her dominate the kiss, knowing that she needed it. A minute later he was glad that he had his arms securely wrapped around her when he felt his cheeks getting wet. She hid her face in his chest and clutched his shirt. He lightly kissed her head and tried to soothe her with his arms, when she suddenly shattered completely in his arms.

He carried her to the couch and sat down with her between his legs, with his back leaning against the arm rest. She sobbed out everything that was hurting and haunting her. When she had calmed down she slowly looked up at him and looked straight in his eyes. "Can you call my doctor tomorrow morning and tell her that I will have the operation." He kissed her forehead. "Sure. But what made you change your mind?" "I realized today that it could be even worse." He knew what she meant and was happy that she was getting help against the pain. She snuggled into his chest again and just enjoyed the security in his arms.


End file.
